Tips for Relating to 9s

People who are Enneagram Type 9 (Peacemakers) value comfort and harmony. They are great listeners and very accepting. 9s desire to be loved and cared for in a way that supports their peace and creates true, deep, connected love. In relationships, 9s are usually very warm, patient, quiet, gentle and supportive.

Never bail on a 9 – they fear loss and separation from others. 9s are often not in touch with their feelings. Find ways to gently help them connect, reflect, and communicate what is inside them. And always give them space to do the inner-personal work that they so often set to the side in order to tend to others. 9s must learn to embrace conflict as healthy and part of the path to stronger, deeper relationships. Remind them that even in the midst of conflict that you are not leaving and still love them!

More Tips for Relationships with 9s

• Be careful not to brush aside any idea, opinion, or preference that a 9 offers. Instead, creative an environment in which it feels safe for the 9 to share: 1) encourage them to be open about their needs and preferences, 2) listen attentively to them, 3) be patient with them, and 4) be sure to acknowledge what they say in a positive way that shows you value what the 9 has to offer.
• Encourage 9s to show up and share their gifts, ideas, talents, and perspectives.
• Be proactive and give 9s the attention and affection that they want and need, especially when they don’t ask for it!
• Give 9s time to think and process their personal thoughts, opinions, or perspectives. If they say in response to a question, “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know”, be patient with the 9 while they process. If they need more time than is available at the moment, set a time when the 9 will get back to you. This both helps to hold the 9 accountable to doing their inner work and it communicates to the 9 that you value what they have to say.
• Be gentle with 9s when you sense or experience anger from them. It’s hard enough for them to connect with what is going on inside of them, and harsh words can overwhelm and shame them. Simply acknowledged their experience and help them to process it and connect with what is inside them. In fact, you can help them proactively if you are consistently encourage them to take the time and space to focus on their inner self.
• Focus on what a 9 gets done, not on what they didn’t get done, and encourage them to set goals and priorities.
• Encourage 9s to express their frustrations and grievances rather than sweep them under the rug.
• 9s will often just go along with leading questions (such as “Wouldn’t you like to do x?”) Instead, ask 9s what they would like to do and give them time to come to any answer that is not “I don’t know!”