Lessons from the Enneagram

Yes, I am delayed in getting this last Enneagram post out! Forgive me… we have had many great seasonal events with Thanksgiving, our Annual Church Meeting, Veteran’s Day, and about a dozen of our young folks involved in Harnett Regional Theater’s production of Frozen! Here at long last are some final Enneagram learnings and relationship tips that I want to offer to you…

The Enneagram is simply a tool that along with the foundational tool of Scripture, can help you examine your thoughts, feelings, and actions in honest and truthful ways. This both helps us to live into all the potential that God has created within each one of us and it leads us to connect more deeply with God and one another. What’s more is that the Enneagram can help you see how other people have very honest and valid ways on thinking, feeling, and behaving in the world (based on their Enneagram type) that are different from your thinking, feeling, and behaving (which is of course based on your Enneagram type). Such insights can help us work better with our co-workers, grow deeper and more intimate relationships with our significant others, navigates disagreements and tension within our families, and discover boundaries that we may need to set with friends and acquaintances.

Not only do the specific Enneagram types and descriptions help us learn about ourselves and others, but the Enneagram system as a whole also offers us some general lessons in relating to one another. That is, as the Enneagram describes the personality types God has created with us, it offers us insights into generally good habits and practices of healthy relationships. Here are 7 tips for you to consider and practice.

7 Tips for Healthy Relationships from the Enneagram

1) Be Clear and Direct – Our basic fears and desires affect the way we communicate. Whether we are afraid of conflict, of vulnerability, of being wrong, or unwanted, we cope with our fears by avoiding certain conversations … and our communication suffers. Quality communication is essential for healthy relationships. When you are clear and direct, you’re able to get to the root of things more easily and effectively. And every Enneagram type will appreciate this approach.

2) Set Goals Together – Where do you want to go together? Deciding this takes clear communication. Both the process of setting a shared, common goal together and working towards that goal fosters teamwork which benefits both of you and brings you closer together.

3) Always Be Learning – there is always more to be learned about one another. You can never exhaust all there is to know about another human being. Healthy relationships are ones where partners are always wanting to know more, understand more, experience more about, and with and through one another. Be sure to pay attention to them, set aside time for them specifically, give them a hand, ask questions, and ponder your future together.

4) Remind One Another – Remind the person that you love them, of their strengths, of what is positive about them, of their potential, of how proud you are of them. This is in part about seeing and acknowledging the good in one another. Be sincere. Don’t over do it. But do it authentically.

5) No One is Right and No One is Wrong – This is about your state of mind. Stop making things about right and wrong. And start making it about understanding the other person, even and especially when you disagree. Each person has a perspective that is valid. There are two sides to every story. The goal in a healthy relationship is not to be right. The goal is to be together. And being together requires understanding and empathy.

6) Give Space – People need room to breathe and add to their experiences. Yes, they can do this with you. But we humans need room to grow as individuals and come back together as a couple to talk about those experiences and the things we learned. It’s healthy for people to have hobbies and activities of their own. Encourage your partner to explore and learn while you do the same.

7) Be Persistent, Be Consistent, and Check In – Sit down and discuss what’s going on in your lives and what you’re excelling in and struggling with. Anything you may be worried or prideful about is important. Not only will your partner feel cared for, but they will also open up to you more.

Enneagram in Relationships

As we have explored each Enneagram type from September – November 2023, we have examined tips for relating to each type. But what about the unique tendencies of one particular Enneagram type relating to another particular type? There are actually 45 different possible pairings of Enneagram types in relationships. For example, a relationship between a 1 and a 6, a 3 and a 4, or a 2 and a 9. In any given relationship type, what might each person need to…

1. acknowledge about him/herself,
2. appreciate about the other, and
3. take action on to build and sustain the relationship?

Considering and responding to these three questions can help you to cultivate healthy relationships in your marriage, at work, with friends, family, or children. I encourage you to begin by exploring the specific Enneagram combination in your marriage or with another significant relationship in your life. Via the website below – a resource from renowned Enneagram expert Dr David Daniel’s – you can look up general information about each Enneagram pairing and some answers to each of the questions above. If you experience is anything like my own you will find both true and helpful insight that can make a positive difference in your relationships if you put it to use!

The Enneagram Types in Relationship