Tips for Relating to 8s

When it comes to other people, Enneagram Type 8s tend to act as either a challenger or a protector. They will feel you out by saying the opposite of everything you say in order to determine if you have enough integrity to stand your ground showing that you really mean what you say. And if they sense that there is a bully in your life taking unjust advantage of a weakness you have, then they will stand up for you to ensure you are protected from the injustice.

8s deal with people directly, confrontationally, competitively, and aggressively. Though they often come across as bullies themselves (ironic since they love to protect others from bullies!), deep within they are tender, vulnerable, insecure, and afraid of being hurt and controlled by others. So, 8s protect themselves by putting on a hard and strong mask in order to hide their inner child that they fear is weak.

8s want you to be clear, mean what you say and say what you mean, stand up for yourself, treat other people right, and connect to them when they push back against you. If you are wispy-washy, they will not trust you. If you are weak and vulnerable, they may protect you – albeit for reasons based on their own insecurities. If you treat people poorly, they will be your biggest bully. And if you go against them, they easily feel betrayed.

More Tips for Relationships with 8s

• Don’t be intimidated by 8s. While it may appear that they are trying to take you out, they actually admire you for standing your ground.
• 8s desire for control makes relationships with them difficult. They don’t want to be dependent, they see compromise and sacrifice as weakness.
• It can feel like 8s don’t care about you, but it’s not that they don’t care, it’s just that they are not thinking about you at all. They are thinking about what they are going to do. And they don’t realize how what they are doing is affecting you! You will need to help them see this.
• 8s can get vulnerable, they just try to avoid it. They really struggle with expressing softer feelings.
• 8s don’t understand that their aggression overshadows their intent. You may have to help them see this.
• Because 8s are so dualistic, they believe you are either for them or against them. So it is easy for them to feel betrayed. You have to help them see that things are not always so black and white.
• Know that 8 aggression is not personal. They do not mean you harm.
• Even though 8s are strong and assertive, they still need your care.
• Don’t beat around the bush with 8s. They like people to be brief and direct.
• Know that 8s are controlling because they don’t want to be controlled.
• Don’t talk about a 8 behind their back. They all too easily feel betrayed. Just talk to them face to face, they can and want to deal with it.
• If 8s are distant, it likely has nothing to do with you.
• Exercise is good for 8s. Encourage them to use all their extra energy for something healthy.
• 8s can mistake tenderness for manipulation or weakness. Be aware and enacourage them to step into your shoes.