Can We Talk? From Communication To Conversation

I have a little quiz for you today. Read the story, then flip over to the question tab and answer the True/False question without looking back at the story. Write your answers down so that you can refer back to them later!

• Story
• Questions

Do you feel pretty confident about your answers? I hope so! I trust that I communicated this story well enough for you to get these questions correct.

This little activity is all about communication…and misunderstanding. (More about that soon!) For now, there is a passage in the Bible about communication and misunderstanding. It’s a passage that tells us how to communicate when folks make mistakes and we need to to work things out.

If your brother or sister sins against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they listen to you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. But if they won’t listen, take with you one or two others so that every word may be established by the mouth of two or three witnesses. But if they still won’t pay attention, report it to the church. If they won’t pay attention even to the church, treat them as you would a Gentile and tax collector. I assure you that whatever you fasten on earth will be fastened in heaven. And whatever you loosen on earth will be loosened in heaven. Again I assure you that if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, then my Father who is in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m there with them.” (Matthew 18:15-20)

Christians have often used this passage to justify excommunicating people from the church. That is, if you believe someone has sinned, you can kick them out and/or call into question their faith or salvation.

Some of you in here right now have experience this at a church from your past. Today, I want to look closer at how we communicate, how we misunderstand one another, how we make mistakes, and how we talk to one another about those mistakes.

Communication

Our ability to communicate today is greater than it has ever been. We can talk of course. But we also have books and newspapers, radios and televisions, telephones and text messages, internet and social media.  We can send a message beyond this earth and back again.

And yet…

One could argue that despite our vast resources for communication, we don’t know how to talk to one another. That is, we rarely converse. You see, Communication is not the same as conversation.

Communication is a one way transfer of information. Conversation, however, involves exchange, response, and leads to mutual understanding when helping.

Yes, we have tons of communication, but often when more of something is available, less of it is valuable.

Take Facebook. It has lots of communication. People are sharing and liking information all over the place. But so little of it is useful and that’s because there’s no human conversation.

What about the comments people make? Isn’t that conversation? Well, just read some comments! They are rarely conversational.

In fact, the whole process of sharing information across the internet depersonalizes communication. You respond to a screen by typing and clicking send. There is no heart, mind or soul looking at you. No voice. No body language. No person. And this leads to lots of mistakes and misunderstanding.

Research is showing that over Facebook people treat one another as objects, not as humans. Objects have no life, no breath, no story. And if we perceive people as objects, then it is far easier to be unkind and carry out violence against them. This is exactly what we see happening more and more over social media.

In contrast, real, healthy, face-to-face conversation personalizes, dignifies, and humanizes us. It is much harder to say something unkind to someone who is sitting beside you. So, real Conversation helps to prevent us from doing harm to one another and it literally brings us together.

Let me explain:

Scientists have been studying the effects of communication and conversation upon humans. Using Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), they are able to look at the brain activity of people engaged in different activities, specifically stories in their studies.

FMRI scans show that the brain activity of persons engaged in conversation are remarkably similar.

In one study, patient’s waited for a story to be told. While waiting their brain scans were very different, but once the story began the brain wave patterns began to align. What’s even more is that when comparing the results of the person telling the story and persons listening to the story, the FMRI results were also similar. In other words, a story can literally bring our minds together, create unity and common ground.

Now, if this was all the study revealed, the difference between communication and conversation would be nothing. Because storytelling does not necessarily involve conversation, right? I can tell you all a story and there may be no conversation at all. You go home having heard the information of the story, but not having conversed about it.

But another piece of the study looked at the effect of preconceived notions on our brain activity as we hear stories. That is, how do our stereotypes, assumptions, and presuppositions affect a story’s ability to create common ground within us?

Listeners were primed with different information about the characters within a story.  Of two characters in the story, one group was led to believe that the first character had a bad intent and the other group was led to believe the second character had a bad intent. So each of the two groups had a different preconceived notion about the same story.

Within each of the two the groups brain activity was aligned, as before. But when comparing each of the two groups to one another, there were significant differences. What we are predisposed to think about something matters. Stereotypes, assumptions, and presuppositions lead us away from one another when we communicate. All of these are forms of what we call bias. Bias matters when we communicate.

Misunderstanding & Mistakes

Bias shapes our ability to hear truth and find common ground with those in our society.

Let’s get back to that cash register story. Remember your answers? Well, here are the correct responses to the True-False questions:

1. A man appeared after the owner had turned off the lights.
   • Answer: Not enough information to determine if this is true or false!
   • Reason: You don’t know if the owner and businessman are the same.
2. The man who opened the cash register was the owner.
   • Answer: Not enough information to determine if this is true of false!
   • Reason: We do not know from the story whether the owner was male or female.
3. After the man who demanded money scooped up the contents of the cash register, he ran away.
   • Answer: Not enough information to determine if this is true of false!
   • Reason: Story does not say who scooped up the contents of the cash register, so it is unclear as to whether the man who demanded the money also scooped up the contents of the cash register.
4. Immediately after the robbery, the owner of the store contacted the police.
   • Answer: Not enough information to determine if this is true of false!
   • Reason: We do not know from the story who exactly contacted the police.
5. While the cash register contained money, the story does not state how much.
   • Answer: Not enough information to determine if this is true of false!
   • Reason: The contents of the cash register is not specified in the story.
6. The story concerns a series of events in which only three persons are referred to: The owner of the store, a man who demanded money, and a member of the police force.
   • Answer: Not enough information to determine if this is true of false!
   • Reason: There could be more than 3 people involved. For example, if the businessman or owner are different people.

Most likely, you said True or False to several of these not realizing that the information was not specified in the story. And this is because of the presuppositions, assumptions, and stereotypes that live within you (and me and all of us!). If you are predisposed to think there are more business owners who are men, you will probably assume the owner is a man even when the story does not specify. If you are predisposed to think that registers contain money, then you will think cash was stolen. If you are predisposed to think that more men are criminals, then you may assume the man demanding money is a thief and not the owner. These predispositions – or biases – lead to mistakes.

There are all sorts of things that affect our biases. Almost all of our daily experiences predispose us to think one thing or another: our social circles, the media outlets we listen to, the books and articles we read. And if we limit our daily experiences to one perspective, we exponentially enhance the effects of our biases. Facebook is really good at doing this to us because it gives us more of what we regularly look at (just read a little about the Facebook algorithms if you want to see how they work).

Having different perspectives is not bad. What is bad is when we listen to only one set of perspectives and ignore, deny, or disregard other perspectives.

And this is where conversation comes in, particularly conversation with people who are different from you (or me). Conversation pulls us into the back and forth, give and take of engaging one another across our differences. And this can expose our biases. When communication is only one way or from one perspective, we become more and more distant from one another because our hidden biases shape our thinking. But when we stay engaged in listening, asking questions for clarification, sharing our ideas and all the many great practices of active listening within a conversation, then our biases are uncovered and diminished and we quite literally move towards the same direction. Our brains can align. Our thoughts can converge. Irons sharpens iron, as we say.

Had you been able to ask me questions about the cash register story and we actually conversed about it, then we could have overcome your biases and you would have no doubt realized the truth of every question. But instead the communication was one way and you could not help but let your biases influence you. And that is why Communication is not enough and conversation is so critical.

And Jesus has been saying this for 2000 years!

Conversation

Let’s turn back to the passage from Matthew 18. One the surface this passage may seem to suggest that once you have exhausted its options, then you just walk away from someone, kick them out, or disregard them.

But look at the Context:

• Before the passage – We find the parable of lost sheep which is about searching out the one who is lost until you find him/her
• After the passage – We find the parable of unforgiving servant which teaches us to forgive 70×7 times (that is, forgive until forgiveness is complete!)

So, the context of the passage from Matthew 18 tells us that we should never excommunicate someone who sins or makes a mistake . Instead, we must seek out and find and forgive until forgiveness is complete!

But that’s not all. Remember that the passage says that ff the one who sinned won’t pay attention, then you should treat them how you would a Gentile (pagan) and tax collector. That’s interesting. So tell me,  how does Jesus treat Gentiles and tax collectors?

Well, just to name a few:

• Jesus heals the daughter of the Canaanite woman. (A gentile)
• Jesus eats with sinners and tax collectors.
• Jesus heals the Centurion’s servant. (A gentile)
• Jesus calls a tax collector to be his disciple.
• Jesus only told two individuals that we know of that they had Great Faith; both were Gentiles.
• AND the writer of this gospel (Matthew) was a former tax collector!! You think that might be why he included this detail of the story in his gospel!! Yeah I think so!

Jesus repeatedly engages tax collectors and Gentiles in conversation inviting them into the kingdom of God. He does not just preach to them to give them information. He does not inform them they are wrong and kick them to the curb. No! Jesus engages them in relationship and conversation. And this parable in Matthew calls us to do the same.

The church is called to be a community of faith, of love and of care for each other. This doesn’t mean that no one ever sins against another person. This doesn’t mean that we don’t have disagreements.

What it does mean is that we don’t give up on each other. After all God doesn’t give up on us. So… We spend time with one another. We seek one another out when we disagree and cannot find common ground. We invite one another in. We eat together. We pray together. We talk and converse together.  And this parable says that when we do so in the midst of disagreement, then Christ is there with us! That is incredible. When we converse, Christ is present.

Communication is not enough. You cannot stand on the corner and preach at people. You cannot simply tell people how they are wrong or how they have sinned. You cannot read and re-post only the Facebook articles that you agree with. You cannot only listen to the news networks that you agree with. You cannot keep a social circle of people that think like you. For when you do, you further divide us.

Instead you and I must converse with our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom we disagree. For in so doing, we align our hearts, our minds, and our souls. Through our conversation across our differences, we literally bring forth the presence of Christ in our midst. I pray that you, our city, our county, our state, our nation, the world, and all our leaders will take this truth to heart as we journey through the year ahead.